Before I had my daughter, I used to see all these memes about how shit motherhood is- you don’t sleep anymore, everything is always a mess, etc. And of course there’s all the comments “Oh, you just WAIT…” until whatever you feel is great will eventually become a shit show according to other moms. I really resented a lot of that narrative. It bothered me. As my baby girl approaches 9 months and I’m currently having a rough day, I feel a bit more understand towards it all.
Man! Today has really been tough. My daughter woke up almost an hour earlier than usual so we were up before the sun. I don’t typically mind being up early but last night I couldn’t fall asleep for shit! Overthinking everything and getting songs stuck in my head had me laying there until 1:30am losing my mind- or at least feeling like it. So, I’m low on sleep and my baby girl has been incredibly hard to feed lately. She likes to waves her hands and bat at the spoon therefor baby food splattering everywhere. Super fun. And I get it, babies are not going to be perfect, clean, gentle eaters but days like today my patience is thin and my irritability high. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS! I hate that I get so frustrated so easily. I want to be the best mother I can be and I do not want me daughter to ever feel like I don’t love her. I hate days like this. I just feel like a shell sometimes, going through the motions. It’s truly the weirdest thing because this is not me. I get even more down on myself trying to figure all this out- am I a good mother? Am I doing this right? Am I ruining my child?? Will I EVER feel like my old self again? Probably not. I’m learning every day who this new version of myself is and how to love her properly. It’s not easy. I’ve gained the greatest love in the world for my child but lost so much for myself. Makes no sense but I’m pushing through.
I didn’t start experiencing postpartum depression/anxiety until when Jaydn, my daughter, was 4 or 5 months old. I’ve been working with my doctor on how to help myself push through this rough phase. I have started keeping a journal, I keep a list of things that make me happy or rejuvenate me so i can refer to it when needed, I have started a new book, and even started on an anti-depressant medication. Which was hard for me to finally give in to trying because I have been SERIOUSLY against taking prescription meds unless really needed. But when I just kept having more bad days than good, I wanted to try whatever I could. So far it’s going well.
I write all this because I know that I am not the only mother who has felt this or will feel this. Every mother and parent’s journey is different but I think sometimes the best therapy is to share our stories so that maybe we can shine a light on ourselves and the next person.
We push through. WE ALWAYS PUSH THROUGH. Every day does not feel like this and every day we wake up is a new opportunity to better than the day before. To check our lists and get things done, to find our happiness in the day. That’s what our kids need us to do. They need us to always push through the hard days and make space for a better day tomorrow.
